Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
