Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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