You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
