what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
