pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm having to shit out rocks
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
