I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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