Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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