i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
