she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
