i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
