I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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