State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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