Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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