Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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