ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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