i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
