"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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