Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My balls are so social today.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
