I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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