I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
