she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
