I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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