the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
