My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
