I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
