someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
