I cockslap morals
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
