Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
dude. I can hear the air.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
