Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
