Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
