i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
