don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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