why didn't you poke me back
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
