when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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