My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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