WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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