Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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