the condom got lost in my hair
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
