Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
