Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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