one word: firstdatebathroomanal
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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