Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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