i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
