we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
