We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
