you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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