you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
