He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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