I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
