I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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