i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
why is half of my head shaved?
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